Miss Manners: Having someone to pay is nice, but how do I insist on paying for myself?
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Miss Manners: Having someone to pay is nice, but how do I insist on paying for myself?

Dear Miss Manners: I am a widow woman with enough money to live on comfortably. Most of my friends are in a similar position financially.

I have many friends, including many couples, that I often spend time with. Often it means dinner together at a nice restaurant.

During the seven years since my husband went, I have found that the man in which couple I eat with often offer to pay for my dinner. I try to politely reject, but much of the time he insists.

I appreciate kindness, but I am to counteract the implication that a woman alone cannot afford to pay for her own meals. Even more important, however, is the idea that if he pays for me it will be an expensive excursion for his wife and him, and they will be reluctant to participate in future dinners if they feel obliged to pay.

Also, if I am with someone who I think will try to pay, it limits what I can comfortably order to minimize the cost. It’s almost like ordering carefully on a first date, except without the expected future benefits. I’d rather have their business than a free meal. How do I help them politely understand it?

Mild reader: And with expected future benefits, Miss Manners will assume that you mean subsequent dates. Not what we all really think you mean.

The polite way to help your friends understand the inconvenience and embarrassment they add to you by offering to buy your dinner would be to return. Invite them or insist on turning.

The way to express it is: “You have been so generous to take me out earlier. This time it’s my turn. ”

Not “I am completely capable of paying for myself. When you do, I can’t have lobster! “

(Send your questions to Miss Manners on her site, www.missmanners.com; to her e -post, [email protected]; Or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication

1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106; 816-581-7500