A reader writes:

Where is the line between what is and isn’t acceptable when talking about pettiness between co-workers?

I’m dealing with two employees on the same team who just don’t like each other for different reasons. Fortunately, these two don’t actually have to work together very often but sit in the same suite. They are both big personalities, have strong opinions and can both become strong. Besides advising them to be aware of how they come across when interacting with each other, I’m at a loss as to how to deal with the pettiness they’ve both adopted from the “you both need to stay professional with each other” perspective – things such as saying goodbye to everyone on the team except the other, ordering dessert for “the one who wants” with ingredients the other is allergic to, not holding the door open for the other “without realizing they were there.” I have a hard time figuring out where the line is between “you don’t meet the expectations of appropriate behavior” and “come on, just don’t be an idiot” especially when you say things like “you can’t forbid me from ordering the dessert I want and offer the leftovers to others.”

Their work performance is pretty solid. They are both passionate about the work they do, do it well, and are (for better or for worse) both kind of “staples” of the team (subject matter experts and likely committed to being at this company for a long time).

The way to approach it is to focus on the outcome you want, which is “no one on the team can tell you don’t like person X.” They can feeling however they like about each other, but if other people bring up the negative feelings, that’s a problem – because it will make the work environment uncomfortable for everyone.

So yes, of course they can order whatever dessert they want even if the other person happens to be allergic to it, and sometimes they might not say goodbye to absolutely everyone when they leave… but rather than getting bogged down in these details, focus on results you need from them, which is that they cannot make people uncomfortable with their behavior and they must treat everyone with a basic level of warmth and pleasantness.

I would put it this way: “You need to conduct yourself in such a way that you don’t make this a negative work environment for other people. If people can tell you don’t like Jane, you don’t meet that job requirement. If people perceive you like petty or vindictive, then you fail it. And I take that very seriously – it’s an absolute requirement to be on this team that you treat everyone with respect and that you don’t make the rest of the team uncomfortable really need me to set an example, I’m not going to go through the pettiness that I’ve seen instance by instance; I guess you understand what I’m talking about. It has to change if you want to stay in this team.”

And you bark stick to that line. Solid job performance or not, you can’t keep people who behave like this. They are poisoning the environment for the entire team…and at some point the rest of your staff will start to worry about how they are coming treated if they somehow get on the wrong side of any of these employees.